I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
