The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize