it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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