U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
