I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
