so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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