my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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