i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
