i wish starbucks made bloody marys
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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