he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
