I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
