Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Everclear isn't food dammit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
