Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
