whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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