I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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