so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
