Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His hands were made for my vagina.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
