i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
