btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
