and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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