I could make wine with my vomit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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