how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
