You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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