I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
