Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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