apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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