mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
