Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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