No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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