I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
