I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
