you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
