i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
