So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
