Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
