hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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