How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
