already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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