The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
