They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
