Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
