Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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