i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The best revenge is premature balding
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
