you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
