Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just gift wrapped bread.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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