there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
this just has baby written all over it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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