The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
