How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
