i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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