if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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