I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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