my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
