soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
