Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
