My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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