Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
