i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
