it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
