I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
