Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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