Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
