Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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