So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
